Back by Popular Demand

Well after a lot of begging I am back at it. The first post in months. I find myself a month away from my 25th birthday, laying on the floor of my childhood room, listening to country music and drinking a glass of wine. I got to thinking about what I was doing ten years ago. Lets see... ten years ago I was 14 going on 4o, I thought true love was a certainty and that I would rule the world by 30. Ten years later I know absolutely nothing and about the only thing that hasn't changed is my height.

Yesterday I went out for drinks with the love of my sixth grade year and the love of well basically most of high school. The funny thing was...both of them completely repulsed me. In fact I couldn't find one thing about either one of them that was the least bit attractive. Sitting with them just made me feel uncomfortable. It was like I could see the ghosts of my former self lingering in the bar. Me as an awkward 6th grader with bad hair, bad skin and I hate to admit it but really bad clothes. Then there was me at 15,16,17 and even 18 letting the same asshole make me feel like shit. Visions of myself crying on my bedroom floor. Flash forward a few years to my first week of college and I am crying over the same guy. Sitting under a willow tree along the bike path letting the tears stream down my face and wondering how the hell I ended up there... how I would ever find someone else to love. The funny thing is 7 years later...that seems like a distant dream. I did manage to fall in love again, life did go on, in fact life turned out so much better than I could have ever imagined it. I know I'm off on a tangent...there is a point somewhere.

Basically what I am getting at is that at the time things seem so important but in retrospect they mean nothing. Well not nothing. Those tears made me who I am today. Yeah I sat at home the night of my senior prom, yeah I cried too long over someone who was never good enough for me, yeah I was awkward and kind of bad looking. But things turned out okay, well better than okay. I can finally say for the first time in a very long time that I am really happy... I feel good about my life, about my relationships, about my abilities.

I am ten years away from 14 and in certain ways I am still waiting for my life to begin, still waiting for Prince Charming, still waiting to become the person I have always felt I was meant to be. But really will I always be waiting? Living in the present takes too much effort. It is so much easier to look back or look forward. My New Year's Resolution...live in the moment, enjoy my life and appreciate all the amazing everyday events that make up life. In the immortal words of Ms. Carrie Bradshaw:

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”