Love's New Incarnation

Does the first person you give your heat to take the best part? You know...like in a buffet line, all the good stuff is gone by the time the last person gets to it. Is that how our heart looks to the person who finally ends up with it...like a pile of dried out mashed potatoes? I'm know I'm quoting about a million songs but honestly love is a funny thing! When I used to think about love...it wasn't the during part that I thought about, it was the aftermath. In the times I was left holding my heart I would re-imagine every situation, replay every fight, relive every night together untill it nearly killed me. I listened to so many sappy songs I thought I might dye my hair black and put on a pair of skinny jeans. Countless hours were devoted to updating my Itunes with every imagainable break-up song and then I would sit there with tearms streaming down my face. I know real attractive. It wasn't until recently that I was able to feel love in an actual, functioning, viable relationship. It didn't take a break-up to get my heart going, a mean word to get my tears flowing. For the first time in my entire life I feel love in the good times. Maybe Im not explaining this right...lets see...in my previous relationships the love I felt for the person was always the strongest when they they were walking out the door or getting on a plane. It took a loss to make me feel love. I was never able to feel love in the present moment. I was always scared of loosing it...scared of jinxing it. I was constanly holding my breath and waiting...Im not sure for what. Today I feel love in the moment...rolled-up in sheets and nothing else with the sun peaking through the window listening to him breath and not worrying if he is the one, if he is going anywhere. So to answer my first question...NO the person who ends up with your heart is not left with dired out mashed pototates instead I like to think they are left with the best parts, the parts no one else has gotten to, the parts you saved and you didn't even know why.

Another Summer Ends...Another Year Begins

September has this magical quality of new beginnings mixed with melancholy that makes for a feeling that is hard to describe but familiar all at once. Last week I started my 18th week of school and other than feeling pretty old there wasn't anything really remarkable about the experience. I picked out a "first day of school" outfit, packed a lunch and tried to get a good night sleep before the first day of classes. But these last few weeks haven't been without reflection. Maybe all we have in life is the present. Try as I might to remember all the first days gone by there was something lacking in the memories. As the years turn on the memories remain but they fade and their meaning isn't nearly as powerful. Sometimes I wonder when certain memories will leave me completely, and the sad part is that I won't even know they are gone. I imagine the brain sorting through memories; shelving the specials ones, rewriting the painful ones and discarding the ones not recently pulled. It makes me sad as the years roll on, friends come and go, people change, I change and every year it seems a part of me dies and another part is born. Maybe that is a bit too dramatic but the point is we are creatures of change and as important as change is it is hard. Thinking about change, thinking about perspectives...people who once seemed so important you rarely talk to, new characters come into your life and captivate you but it seems all too plausible that they too could at some point become obsolete.