The Grass Is Always Greener...

What I hate most about myself is my absolute inability to live in the moment. Since I was a little kid I have always been able to romanticize the past, glorify the future and somehow pass over the present. Currently most of my days are spent trapped inside a horribly decorated law school library filled with florescent lights and neurotic people hopped-up on copious amounts of caffeine. Its easy to see why my tendency to revel in the past and long for the future has taken on new life...yet I can almost guarantee that in five years as I sit behind a desk, wearing a suit that costs more than I currently spend in one month and driving a car that costs more than a year of law school, I will somehow be able to look back at these absolutely awful days with fondness. My current residence (a town I despise almost as much as skinny jeans) will be remembers as "quaint and charming." The 12 hundred feet of snow that fall each winter and keep me housebound and depressed will be remembers as "romantic." My law school classmates who drive me towards self mutilation will somehow be remembered as "eccentric, " "wild" and "endearing." I will think back on my nights in the library with fondness. I can see my 30 plus year old self leaning over my desk, my head cradled in one hand as I think back to "the good old days." Longing for the days when I rolled out of bed, dragged my sorry ass into the jeans off the floor that I was too tired to actually put in the washing machine, poured some lukewarm coffee into my leaking mug (the one that drips down my face unless I tilt it just right), get behind the wheel of my dying Toyota corolla, and then sit through 5 hours of the most ridiculous self important lectures that have zero bearing on my ability to practice law. I will think to myself, "those were the days." HA. I will have to keep this blog going just so I can look back over this entry and remind my 30 year old self that law school was a cease pool full of self important losers with IQs closer to Forest Gump's than Einstein's.
That's what your memory does. Its like the "antique" settings on digital cameras, the one that turns color to a muted brown shade...it turns ordinary photos into snap shots from the past. That's what your brain does to memories so that when its time to recall them they have been shaded with melancholy and nostalgia. That is the only explanation for why I constantly think back to jobs I once had (and HATED) and think, "gosh I wish I was changing adult diapers, or pouring coffee for anorexic bitches or selling clothes to retarded twits." I mean come on. These memories are still on the edge. They weren't long enough ago that I can't still remember little bits of why I hated them but the memory sweeper is changing them slowly but surely into happy memories of "better days." At this rate I will be reflecting on my fat, awkward, acne prone, single days with fondness...thinking bad skin and a little junk in the trunk wasn't, "that bad" and that it really "added to my character."

Love's New Incarnation

Does the first person you give your heat to take the best part? You know...like in a buffet line, all the good stuff is gone by the time the last person gets to it. Is that how our heart looks to the person who finally ends up with it...like a pile of dried out mashed potatoes? I'm know I'm quoting about a million songs but honestly love is a funny thing! When I used to think about love...it wasn't the during part that I thought about, it was the aftermath. In the times I was left holding my heart I would re-imagine every situation, replay every fight, relive every night together untill it nearly killed me. I listened to so many sappy songs I thought I might dye my hair black and put on a pair of skinny jeans. Countless hours were devoted to updating my Itunes with every imagainable break-up song and then I would sit there with tearms streaming down my face. I know real attractive. It wasn't until recently that I was able to feel love in an actual, functioning, viable relationship. It didn't take a break-up to get my heart going, a mean word to get my tears flowing. For the first time in my entire life I feel love in the good times. Maybe Im not explaining this right...lets see...in my previous relationships the love I felt for the person was always the strongest when they they were walking out the door or getting on a plane. It took a loss to make me feel love. I was never able to feel love in the present moment. I was always scared of loosing it...scared of jinxing it. I was constanly holding my breath and waiting...Im not sure for what. Today I feel love in the moment...rolled-up in sheets and nothing else with the sun peaking through the window listening to him breath and not worrying if he is the one, if he is going anywhere. So to answer my first question...NO the person who ends up with your heart is not left with dired out mashed pototates instead I like to think they are left with the best parts, the parts no one else has gotten to, the parts you saved and you didn't even know why.

Another Summer Ends...Another Year Begins

September has this magical quality of new beginnings mixed with melancholy that makes for a feeling that is hard to describe but familiar all at once. Last week I started my 18th week of school and other than feeling pretty old there wasn't anything really remarkable about the experience. I picked out a "first day of school" outfit, packed a lunch and tried to get a good night sleep before the first day of classes. But these last few weeks haven't been without reflection. Maybe all we have in life is the present. Try as I might to remember all the first days gone by there was something lacking in the memories. As the years turn on the memories remain but they fade and their meaning isn't nearly as powerful. Sometimes I wonder when certain memories will leave me completely, and the sad part is that I won't even know they are gone. I imagine the brain sorting through memories; shelving the specials ones, rewriting the painful ones and discarding the ones not recently pulled. It makes me sad as the years roll on, friends come and go, people change, I change and every year it seems a part of me dies and another part is born. Maybe that is a bit too dramatic but the point is we are creatures of change and as important as change is it is hard. Thinking about change, thinking about perspectives...people who once seemed so important you rarely talk to, new characters come into your life and captivate you but it seems all too plausible that they too could at some point become obsolete.

Working Girl

I don't want to be a lawyer. What I would really like to be is a writer, but lets face it...I don't have the talent. So in lieu of what it is I really want, I work hard everyday to be something, that to be honest, I really hate. If I had known prior to this that all a lawyer does is sit all day, I might have considered a different career path...unfortunately, the albatross around my neck known as student debt is keeping me from that. So today I spent too many hours of my life, that I will never get back, learning to do Internet research. I have already spent too many hours of my life, that I will never get back, learning to do Internet research...that's what they teach you in law school.

I guess what I am wondering is...does anyone like their job? Today as I was wondering around the office I let my eyes wander over the cluttered desks and furrowed brows and I couldn't help but think..."do any of these people enjoy what they do?" The sad fact of the matter is...Americans spend more time at work than at home...and it would be really nice if we could actually enjoy that time and not spend the day plotting our escape. Unfortunately the vast majority of us are trapped ... trapped in a cycle of jobs we hate, counting down the minutes and the hours until we can breath fresh air and no longer subject ourselves to florescent lights. So until I find the job of my dreams (which I doubt exists) I will have to be happy with what I have, for the moments and people that make me whole and happy :)

The Heart of the Matter

I know I haven't written in awhile but I guess I haven't really felt inspired. That changed today. I heard an old Don Henley song on the radio and it made me feel...I'm not quite sure of the emotion but whatever it was it got me to thinking.

"I got the call today I didn't want to hear, but I knew that it would come. An old true friend of ours was talking on the phone, she said you found someone. And I thought of all the bad luck and all the struggles we went through, how I lost me and you lost you. What are all these voices outside love's open door? Make us throw off our contentment and beg for something more. I've been learning to live without you now but I miss you sometimes. The more I know the less I understand and all the things I thought I knew I'm learning them again. "

Why are we so desperate to hang on to something mediocre in fear of having nothing at all? For so long I was so desperate to hold on to something that was so wrong and for what? I was scared I would never find something as good as okay? I mean how hard is it to trump alright? Well the truth of it is...when you finally let go of "just okay" is the exact moment you are ready to find amazing.

When contentment leads to inspiration ... that is amazing.

When you can look in someone's eyes and see everything you are feeling mirrored back at you...that is amazing.

When you don't have to question every look and every word...that is amazing

When you look in the mirror and still see the real you and not some incarnation of someone else's fantasy...that is amazing.

When you can give someone everything you have and not lose a thing...that is amazing.

Auld Lang Syne?

Before proceeding further I think it is important to first define the above title. According to the oh so wise Wikipedia, Auld Lang Syne, means 'days gone by' or simply 'the past.' So in the spirit of New Years this post will deal mostly with moving forward, making resolutions and trying to make 2008 the best year yet.

As I was contemplating the New Year I decided that the reason people get so excited about it, is because it is a chance to start over with a clean slate...and everyone loves a clean slate. Even if it only lasts for a month, the resolutions you make on January 1st, make you feel like you can overcome all your past bad behavior, mend your ailing relationships and become the best you that you can be. For at least a week you have visions of yourself becoming a thinner, nicer, all around better version of your current self. Not to be too cynical but the majority of resolutions end in failure...if that wasn't the case I don't think the majority of Americans would be overweight. So the questions becomes, why do we start off with such good intentions and then regress to our previous bad behavior? Why does all our will power go out the window? I bet there is a huge boost in cigarette sales and lapses in gym membership around Groundhogs day.

Well my 2008 Resolution is not to lose 10 pounds, or to stop eating carbs, or to workout 5 days a week, or to stop smoking, or any of the usual midnight declarations. Instead my New Year's Resolution is to live each day with purpose and gratefulness. I'm sure there will still be days when I hate my life, or more likely the snow that has encased my car in ice , but I will try to wake-up every morning and be thankful for something. My health, my family, my friends.

I once read a statistic that after a period of time the human brain tends to remember happy memories more than tragic ones. Maybe that's why people are always referring to the "good old days" or why our parents say things like, "when I was younger people were more respectful" or why we even have the Republican party. Because in all honestly we do remember things with rose colored glasses. We remember our exes as evil and cruel but they were also the most attractive and we can't imagining loving anyone the way we loved them. That's why there is the "one that got away." Often times we remember things not as they actually were but as we wished they had been. Most likely your first love had pimples, braces and a bad haircut but we remember them as the most perfect creatures to walk the earth. The "one that got way" was probably semi- retarded and pretty much an asshole but we constantly think that they might be our soulmate. Why? Because the brain is a tricky thing. If you can shut the doors to the past and live in the moment you are a better person than me. It is easy to look back with yearning on days gone by. When you are single it is very easy to remember old relationships and think, "he was so sweet, I remember this one time when he brought me breakfast in bed" but you forget about all the times he hit the snooze button and left you eating breakfast alone.

Maybe forgetfulness is some kind of built in defense mechanism because if we had to remember all our past sins and all those done to us we would simply over load and shutdown. No one wants to think about time wasted on the wrong person or the wrong job. Thats why we tell ourselves they were "learning experiences" hell I told myself that in my last entry, and I hope its true. I hope we are on a road that is leading to some high level, some end point, a nirvana. But what if we aren't? What if there is no meaning to live, that we simply assign meaning after the fact? Well I'm not that cynical...at least not yet. I still believe in purpose, and learning experiences. The day I stop believing in those things is the day I stop growing and the day I stop being challenged. So this year I choose to remember the past, but not as I wished it to have been, but as it really was, and I chose to live my current life not how I have been... but how I would like it to be. I hope that makes some kind of sense. Happy New Year everyone and I hope this year is so terrific that you don't have to remember it anyway than how it actually was.

Side Note... If you haven't seen this movie, you really should. One of the best New Year's Eve scenes ever!

Question...

So like most of these postings, today's is inspired by an actual conversation. The question is...for whose benefit do you list your relationship status on social networking pages? I mean are you listing it for your SO? Are you listing it for yourself, "hey look at me Im not a single loser"? Are you listing it to help you win the game with your ex of who will die alone and ugly first? Are you listing it because you are such an attractive person that you don't want people to believe they have a chance with you when really you are "in a relationship"?

Well during today's conversation my friend was telling me that this guy had been flirting with her, asking her plans for the New Year's Eve thing etc. when out of nowhere he busts out with the "me and my girlfriend" line. The interesting part is what she said next, " I mean was I totally blind, had his facebook said he was 'in a relationship' all this time and I just never noticed?" Well she went back and looked and alas he was one of the worst facebookers out there, the no status person. The no status facebooker is rare because most people either want the world to know you are "in a relationship" or that you are "single" and looking.

As a person who also refuses to post their status I guess I would have to say my main reason for abstaining is that I don't want to be defined by a little box I check. I also don't put my religion or party affiliation. I mean there is a huge difference between a "single, protestant, Republican" and a "in a relationship, Jewish, Democrat." There are way too many preconceived notions out there without my facebook adding any fuel to the fire. However, the main reason I don't do it...the little broken heart that goes up when your relationship is terminated. It is just too sad... and unless you end up married to the person at some point the heart will break :) Also I don't really want everyone to know the ups and downs of my romantic encounters. Besides all the important people know the status of my dance card...and that's all that matters.