Love's New Incarnation

Does the first person you give your heat to take the best part? You know...like in a buffet line, all the good stuff is gone by the time the last person gets to it. Is that how our heart looks to the person who finally ends up with it...like a pile of dried out mashed potatoes? I'm know I'm quoting about a million songs but honestly love is a funny thing! When I used to think about love...it wasn't the during part that I thought about, it was the aftermath. In the times I was left holding my heart I would re-imagine every situation, replay every fight, relive every night together untill it nearly killed me. I listened to so many sappy songs I thought I might dye my hair black and put on a pair of skinny jeans. Countless hours were devoted to updating my Itunes with every imagainable break-up song and then I would sit there with tearms streaming down my face. I know real attractive. It wasn't until recently that I was able to feel love in an actual, functioning, viable relationship. It didn't take a break-up to get my heart going, a mean word to get my tears flowing. For the first time in my entire life I feel love in the good times. Maybe Im not explaining this right...lets see...in my previous relationships the love I felt for the person was always the strongest when they they were walking out the door or getting on a plane. It took a loss to make me feel love. I was never able to feel love in the present moment. I was always scared of loosing it...scared of jinxing it. I was constanly holding my breath and waiting...Im not sure for what. Today I feel love in the moment...rolled-up in sheets and nothing else with the sun peaking through the window listening to him breath and not worrying if he is the one, if he is going anywhere. So to answer my first question...NO the person who ends up with your heart is not left with dired out mashed pototates instead I like to think they are left with the best parts, the parts no one else has gotten to, the parts you saved and you didn't even know why.

Another Summer Ends...Another Year Begins

September has this magical quality of new beginnings mixed with melancholy that makes for a feeling that is hard to describe but familiar all at once. Last week I started my 18th week of school and other than feeling pretty old there wasn't anything really remarkable about the experience. I picked out a "first day of school" outfit, packed a lunch and tried to get a good night sleep before the first day of classes. But these last few weeks haven't been without reflection. Maybe all we have in life is the present. Try as I might to remember all the first days gone by there was something lacking in the memories. As the years turn on the memories remain but they fade and their meaning isn't nearly as powerful. Sometimes I wonder when certain memories will leave me completely, and the sad part is that I won't even know they are gone. I imagine the brain sorting through memories; shelving the specials ones, rewriting the painful ones and discarding the ones not recently pulled. It makes me sad as the years roll on, friends come and go, people change, I change and every year it seems a part of me dies and another part is born. Maybe that is a bit too dramatic but the point is we are creatures of change and as important as change is it is hard. Thinking about change, thinking about perspectives...people who once seemed so important you rarely talk to, new characters come into your life and captivate you but it seems all too plausible that they too could at some point become obsolete.

Working Girl

I don't want to be a lawyer. What I would really like to be is a writer, but lets face it...I don't have the talent. So in lieu of what it is I really want, I work hard everyday to be something, that to be honest, I really hate. If I had known prior to this that all a lawyer does is sit all day, I might have considered a different career path...unfortunately, the albatross around my neck known as student debt is keeping me from that. So today I spent too many hours of my life, that I will never get back, learning to do Internet research. I have already spent too many hours of my life, that I will never get back, learning to do Internet research...that's what they teach you in law school.

I guess what I am wondering is...does anyone like their job? Today as I was wondering around the office I let my eyes wander over the cluttered desks and furrowed brows and I couldn't help but think..."do any of these people enjoy what they do?" The sad fact of the matter is...Americans spend more time at work than at home...and it would be really nice if we could actually enjoy that time and not spend the day plotting our escape. Unfortunately the vast majority of us are trapped ... trapped in a cycle of jobs we hate, counting down the minutes and the hours until we can breath fresh air and no longer subject ourselves to florescent lights. So until I find the job of my dreams (which I doubt exists) I will have to be happy with what I have, for the moments and people that make me whole and happy :)

The Heart of the Matter

I know I haven't written in awhile but I guess I haven't really felt inspired. That changed today. I heard an old Don Henley song on the radio and it made me feel...I'm not quite sure of the emotion but whatever it was it got me to thinking.

"I got the call today I didn't want to hear, but I knew that it would come. An old true friend of ours was talking on the phone, she said you found someone. And I thought of all the bad luck and all the struggles we went through, how I lost me and you lost you. What are all these voices outside love's open door? Make us throw off our contentment and beg for something more. I've been learning to live without you now but I miss you sometimes. The more I know the less I understand and all the things I thought I knew I'm learning them again. "

Why are we so desperate to hang on to something mediocre in fear of having nothing at all? For so long I was so desperate to hold on to something that was so wrong and for what? I was scared I would never find something as good as okay? I mean how hard is it to trump alright? Well the truth of it is...when you finally let go of "just okay" is the exact moment you are ready to find amazing.

When contentment leads to inspiration ... that is amazing.

When you can look in someone's eyes and see everything you are feeling mirrored back at you...that is amazing.

When you don't have to question every look and every word...that is amazing

When you look in the mirror and still see the real you and not some incarnation of someone else's fantasy...that is amazing.

When you can give someone everything you have and not lose a thing...that is amazing.