Contemplation

Question: do we ever really change? So I was finished with all my reading...none of your sorry asses would answer the phone so you know what I did??!!! Smoked and drank wine ALONE. I mean I thought I had given up on smoking, was thinking the whole "my body is a temple" shit and then I go and start smoking...I am blaming it on my want to be social. I live next door to second year law students and this is a way to get to know them...already worked, we are new best friends. Well not quite but we are chatting and hanging out. Ahh I am constantly regressing.

Concentration

Mine is out the window...I NEED it to be the weekend

The good, the bad and the ugly

In addition to my known pet peeves, vanity license plates and license plate holders that say "I'd rather be blanking," I am now adding couples at the gym. I don't go to the gym to watch you grope your girlfriend. It is gross. Please stop. If you are an offender of such a crime I may have to remove you from my top five.

Onto the good. I got two new house plants and they are just adorable. If I had a camera I would take a picture of them for you all to ohhh and ahhh over.

As for the ugly...I kind of feel like the first one encompasses both.

Also I saw "Becoming Jane" and it was an excellent movie. You know why? Because she doesn't end up with her "true love" and she makes a life for herself sans a man. I know I know I am becoming bitter but it really was refreshing. I don't know what we want to make of the fact that Ms. Austen spend her life spinning tales of love and fulfillment but we will leave that one alone for now.

Following that thought, how many chances do you suppose you get at love? In "Becoming Jane" she has her one true love and when it doesn't work out she spends the rest of her life living by the pen. So the question becomes, what if you have never had a true love or what if you have had more that one true love and finally what if you have only had one and don't currently have another....where are you left in all these situations? I think the best option is number one because you can always be thinking true love is around the corner. Number two is also desirable because hey you are lucky in love, no crying over spilled milk because there will always be someone new to pour you another. Worst category is number three...you think it just won't ever happen for you again. I don't think I really fit into any of those categories...I am going to go with number one because although I have been "in love" I refuse to believe it was my "true love" because it that was the case I wouldn't be sleeping alone. Tricky! Yes this is what law school is teaching me...splitting hairs.

Sign of the times

Okay so I am in my room watching Beaches and trying not to cry...I mean I have seen this movie a million times but every time 'Wind Beneath Your Wings' comes on I get a little weepy. This is a sign of many things, mainly:
1) I need to get out of the house more
2) I may have some kind of hormonal imbalance
3) Some things never change
4) I need to start hanging out with more dudes

Giving up the ghost

Today I was at the gym trying to madly chase away the beer molecules that were trying to attach themselves to my hips, after a night of sharing pitchers with the roommates, when I can to an interesting conclusion.

Since it was Saturday I treated myself to one of those women's magazines and as I was flipping through the pages I suddenly realized that about a third of the articles had no relevance to my life. "How to have better sex," "how to be more intimate," "how to get him to open-up." Sure these articles are shallow and ridiculous but at the same time they made me realize just how relationship driven our culture is. Every song, every TV show and movie is about finding love or losing love. If you aren't doing one of those two things you are out of the loop. This has left me identifying with cable news channels, crime shows, the Discovery Channel and the History Channel. You know things aren't going so well in the love department when Nazi Germany seems to have more relevance in your life then say an episode of Friends.

So I guess what I'm getting at is that in our culture of independent women, why are we still so focused on men to make us feel complete? If we aren't dating we aren't living? I feel like that is the message the world is trying to send us. "Attention ladies, you think you have it all together BUT really unless you have a special someone to share it with you are missing the boat." Well I refuse to buy that BS anymore. I really am not trying to sound bitter or jaded...I just don't know why we all believe it? Is it true that life isn't near as wonderful without someone to love?

The first day of the rest of my life or "where boring people go to die" ?

Why?

So an interesting fact about my new home...people park on either side of the street pointed in either directions, there are no left hand turn signals and almost every intersection is uncontrolled. The question now becomes, how long until I get into an accident?

I promise...this is a true story

Last night the roommates and I decide it's time to see what (if anything) this city has to offer. We got dressed-up and prepared for a night on the town. At bar number two we order shots, bad idea. Well when they come there is one too many so as I am contemplating drinking it, I look to the left and see someone who looks very familiar. One of my classmates from the facebook! I make eye contact and give him the drink with a smile. He says, "what's this for?" I say, "from the facebook." His eyes register understanding and we do the whole cheers thing. I introduce him to my roommates and we are all dancing and have a lovely time. The night wears on and I am drunky money...my roommates and I get separated in the sea of dancing. I agree in my drunken state to let my new law school classmate and his friend give me a ride home. When we arrive at my house I fall asleep on the couch (great hostess) and when my roommates come home moments later they find me sleeping in the fetal position and boys sitting in our house.

Morning dawns and I begin to remember little bits and pieces of the previous night. I distinctly remember saying to the guy "I thought you were gay?" (From his profile) after he preceded to dance with me in an oh so straight way. He laughs and says "No and its a good thing cause your cute." I ask him about a dog I had seen in pictures and he seemed a little confused but then quickly recovered. Today I decided to send him a message and tell him sorry about falling asleep and making him drive me home. The response is classic. It WASN'T him! He wasn't even out last night, not even in town. But it gets stranger. Today I get a phone call....it's "Joe" from last night. He wants to go on a date??!!! Does he think I'm not going to realize that hes not in my class? That he's not the person I thought? Obviously I turned him down. Some people. Note to self no more drinking...EVER.

A Modern Fairy Tale

I was reading the NY Times this morning with a steamy cup of coffee when I came upon this wonderful literary blog. A professor from the University of Arizona asked the question, when did male authors stop thanking their wives, in the acknowledgments, for tirelessly typing their manuscripts? I suddenly realized that if I had lived maybe 40 years ago how different my life would be. I mean sure we all joke about older relatives and ridiculous friends asking us when we are going to meet a nice boy and get married, but in all honestly most people don't think twice about a single girl. Especially if she is doing something with her life. I have approximately one married friend, and she is going back to school this fall for a masters. So even if you do choose marriage you can still be successful in the work place, you can make more than your husband, you can ask him to stay at home and raise the kids. Thank God it's 2007 and not 1945...because Lord knows what I would do in a apron at home with little Johnny and Jane. Maybe put a gun to my head, more likely put one to my husband's.

So along these same lines I was coming home from the grocery store and the Dave Matthews song 'Rapunzel' came on and I suddenly thought, what an interesting literary figure. I mean it is the half done story of female independence. Here is this girl trapped in a room. She frees herself through her own ingenuity and of course the help of a handsome price. But today there is no need for the price. We can let down our golden hair but we don't need a price to climb the stairs, we can do that ourselves. And you know what, to the women who came before us, we are living the modern day fairy tale...and its the story of independence, equality and fulfillment. Cheers

Summer time and the livin's easy

Well maybe not easy but today was an absolutely magical day. I went to this fantastic park about two blocks from my house and laid in the sun and read for hours. There was a light breeze and the sounds of kids playing in the background, I also happened to be wearing my favorite paisley skirt which maybe it an even better day. I drank a bottle of expensive water, finished the 500 page book I have been assigned for the first day of class (no I'm not joking) and got a tan all at the same time. Women are awesome multitaskers. After that I went home to work on briefing some cases...got sick of that and decided to take out some energy at the gym. I ran three miles in thirty minutes which is a personal best for me....come on we know I'm not a great runner. Now I am relaxing, thinking about taking a shower and waiting to meet my third and final roommate. The only think that could make this better would be a pina colada served to me poolside by a scantily clad chip n dale type.

So I know I'm not Carrie but.....

"You three are the loves of her life, a guy is lucky to come in fourth." I happened to be flipping through the channels and this episode just happened to be on and you know what....it is so true. These day I woman doesn't need to be married, doesn't need children. You know what she needs: Her friends, her family, her health and her freaking mind!

Side note. Really funny conversation between myself and the new roomie:

Me: "So I was thinking of getting a bike, are you guys going wear helmets? I don't want to look like the 'special' law student.

Roomie: I have $90 grand riding on this thing (placing hands around her head) I don't care if I do look special.

Busy day for blogging

I guess I am making up for lost time. I will keep this quick. Does if makes you a bad person if you have had "relations" with the majority of the men on you google chat sidebar? I am having doubts about my purity.

Roommate Hall of Shame Part III

At the request of a very dear friend I have used her as my inspiration for this week's entry. But I am going to do things a bit differently. Instead of focusing on one roommate I am going to tell you the tale of a poor girl, we will call her Danny... Who has had more than her fair share of horrible roommates.

The Girl Who Never Got Lucky...At Least Not in the Roommate Department:

Danny has very few faults... Her main shortcomings are that she is too damn nice and too forgiving. Yes I am serious these are her worst qualities. She has had at least a handful if not more of terrible roommates.

Did God give them to her because he knew she could handle it? Was she a terrible person in a past life (she would have had to have been Hannibal Lector to deserve these people)? Whatever the reason Danny was cursed with the strangest of roommates. Her freshman year there was the girl who pleasured herself, her boyfriend and even a few inanimate objects right in front of whoever happened to be in the room. She also stole...a lot. Then there was the roomie with an eating disorder. I know what you are all thinking, "everyone has had a roommate with food issues." Well this girl took the cake in that department (no pun intended). She would not only toss her cookies, she would keep the contents in a huge bin under she sink. No I'm not joking. Then there was the gay roommate who made Jack from Will and Grace look straight...and let me tell you this guy was a trip. He was more drama than a high school cheer leading squad. There was another roommate who would go out of town and expect Danny to care for her cat and clean out its litter box. During this same living arrangement there was a male roommate who was so dirty you could almost smell the stench through the walls. Next came the girl who was such an alcoholic she would go out to the bars and drink mass quantities after being diagnosed with pneumonia. There are so many more but if you want to hear them you will have to hope that Danny starts a blog of her own. I hope it comes as no surprise that Danny now lives alone, in a studio.

It's a crying shame

It's a funny thing. I used to cry all the time...well maybe not all the time but at least during appropriate moments. Funerals, break-ups, arguments etc. This is not a lie when I say that in the last few years the only times I have cried have been when looking back on past events. Today was the first time in a long time that I actually cried for something in the present. It was one of those cathartic cries where you actually sit down in the shower and sob. You let the water pour all over you and you might actually throw something...say a few swear words. You get angry.

What brought on this sudden bout of self expression? Well I was talking to an old friend today. An old friend who broke my heart what suddenly seems like a very long time ago. He mentioned that he was recently suffering from of all things a broken heart and I was suddenly very upset. I think pissed is a better word. No I wasn't so much pissed at him as I was at myself. I was jealous. Not of what you might think though. No I wasn't jealous that he loved someone new... I was jealous that he could feel anything at all.

I haven't been able to feel for so long that I can't even remember what love looks like or tastes like. It's like when you haven't gotten laid for a really long time....you know it still exists, you can still remember it, but it almost seems ridiculous in your present state.... you start thinking, "I'm supposed to do what with what?" Well maybe not that bad but you get the point.

I have been so good for so long about not letting anything bother me. Not letting anyone in because honestly, and I know I have gone completely over the line into cliché-ville, I just don't ever want to feel that way again. I never want to be broken. I never want to be dependent, I never want to love anyone ever again. Is that true? I think it is, at least for right now. And that's why I was crying today. Because you can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't be strong and detached and completely in love. It isn't fair to the other person. When you really love someone you give them your heart. You place it in their hands and you say a silent prayer, you pray that they won't hurt you. Because when you really love someone there is always the chance that they could take it away and you will be left holding a bag with nothing in it but the pieces of your heart.

So until I am ready to be broken, ready to be vulnerable I am putting love away...way in the back of my closet where the ugly shoes go. I didn't mean that last part, I mean who are we kidding I don't have any ugly shoes.

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." Helen Keller

lonely....or just bored?

Well I am all moved in....my bed is made, my desk has been assembled and thankfully I have Internet and TV. The rents left today and it is my first day of independent living in almost exactly a year. I honestly feel like I was doing time last year and now I need to be rehabilitated.

I am kind of sad today. I made my bed, went for a long jog, made dinner and drank a glass of wine, all alone. I guess I just wish I had a friend or even an animal to keep me company. It's true that one of my housemates has moved in but it's not really the same as a great friend and a glass of wine. Drinking alone is kind of depressing, does that make me an alcoholic? No just kind of sad.