It's a crying shame

It's a funny thing. I used to cry all the time...well maybe not all the time but at least during appropriate moments. Funerals, break-ups, arguments etc. This is not a lie when I say that in the last few years the only times I have cried have been when looking back on past events. Today was the first time in a long time that I actually cried for something in the present. It was one of those cathartic cries where you actually sit down in the shower and sob. You let the water pour all over you and you might actually throw something...say a few swear words. You get angry.

What brought on this sudden bout of self expression? Well I was talking to an old friend today. An old friend who broke my heart what suddenly seems like a very long time ago. He mentioned that he was recently suffering from of all things a broken heart and I was suddenly very upset. I think pissed is a better word. No I wasn't so much pissed at him as I was at myself. I was jealous. Not of what you might think though. No I wasn't jealous that he loved someone new... I was jealous that he could feel anything at all.

I haven't been able to feel for so long that I can't even remember what love looks like or tastes like. It's like when you haven't gotten laid for a really long time....you know it still exists, you can still remember it, but it almost seems ridiculous in your present state.... you start thinking, "I'm supposed to do what with what?" Well maybe not that bad but you get the point.

I have been so good for so long about not letting anything bother me. Not letting anyone in because honestly, and I know I have gone completely over the line into cliché-ville, I just don't ever want to feel that way again. I never want to be broken. I never want to be dependent, I never want to love anyone ever again. Is that true? I think it is, at least for right now. And that's why I was crying today. Because you can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't be strong and detached and completely in love. It isn't fair to the other person. When you really love someone you give them your heart. You place it in their hands and you say a silent prayer, you pray that they won't hurt you. Because when you really love someone there is always the chance that they could take it away and you will be left holding a bag with nothing in it but the pieces of your heart.

So until I am ready to be broken, ready to be vulnerable I am putting love away...way in the back of my closet where the ugly shoes go. I didn't mean that last part, I mean who are we kidding I don't have any ugly shoes.

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." Helen Keller