The Grass Is Always Greener...

What I hate most about myself is my absolute inability to live in the moment. Since I was a little kid I have always been able to romanticize the past, glorify the future and somehow pass over the present. Currently most of my days are spent trapped inside a horribly decorated law school library filled with florescent lights and neurotic people hopped-up on copious amounts of caffeine. Its easy to see why my tendency to revel in the past and long for the future has taken on new life...yet I can almost guarantee that in five years as I sit behind a desk, wearing a suit that costs more than I currently spend in one month and driving a car that costs more than a year of law school, I will somehow be able to look back at these absolutely awful days with fondness. My current residence (a town I despise almost as much as skinny jeans) will be remembers as "quaint and charming." The 12 hundred feet of snow that fall each winter and keep me housebound and depressed will be remembers as "romantic." My law school classmates who drive me towards self mutilation will somehow be remembered as "eccentric, " "wild" and "endearing." I will think back on my nights in the library with fondness. I can see my 30 plus year old self leaning over my desk, my head cradled in one hand as I think back to "the good old days." Longing for the days when I rolled out of bed, dragged my sorry ass into the jeans off the floor that I was too tired to actually put in the washing machine, poured some lukewarm coffee into my leaking mug (the one that drips down my face unless I tilt it just right), get behind the wheel of my dying Toyota corolla, and then sit through 5 hours of the most ridiculous self important lectures that have zero bearing on my ability to practice law. I will think to myself, "those were the days." HA. I will have to keep this blog going just so I can look back over this entry and remind my 30 year old self that law school was a cease pool full of self important losers with IQs closer to Forest Gump's than Einstein's.
That's what your memory does. Its like the "antique" settings on digital cameras, the one that turns color to a muted brown shade...it turns ordinary photos into snap shots from the past. That's what your brain does to memories so that when its time to recall them they have been shaded with melancholy and nostalgia. That is the only explanation for why I constantly think back to jobs I once had (and HATED) and think, "gosh I wish I was changing adult diapers, or pouring coffee for anorexic bitches or selling clothes to retarded twits." I mean come on. These memories are still on the edge. They weren't long enough ago that I can't still remember little bits of why I hated them but the memory sweeper is changing them slowly but surely into happy memories of "better days." At this rate I will be reflecting on my fat, awkward, acne prone, single days with fondness...thinking bad skin and a little junk in the trunk wasn't, "that bad" and that it really "added to my character."

Love's New Incarnation

Does the first person you give your heat to take the best part? You know...like in a buffet line, all the good stuff is gone by the time the last person gets to it. Is that how our heart looks to the person who finally ends up with it...like a pile of dried out mashed potatoes? I'm know I'm quoting about a million songs but honestly love is a funny thing! When I used to think about love...it wasn't the during part that I thought about, it was the aftermath. In the times I was left holding my heart I would re-imagine every situation, replay every fight, relive every night together untill it nearly killed me. I listened to so many sappy songs I thought I might dye my hair black and put on a pair of skinny jeans. Countless hours were devoted to updating my Itunes with every imagainable break-up song and then I would sit there with tearms streaming down my face. I know real attractive. It wasn't until recently that I was able to feel love in an actual, functioning, viable relationship. It didn't take a break-up to get my heart going, a mean word to get my tears flowing. For the first time in my entire life I feel love in the good times. Maybe Im not explaining this right...lets see...in my previous relationships the love I felt for the person was always the strongest when they they were walking out the door or getting on a plane. It took a loss to make me feel love. I was never able to feel love in the present moment. I was always scared of loosing it...scared of jinxing it. I was constanly holding my breath and waiting...Im not sure for what. Today I feel love in the moment...rolled-up in sheets and nothing else with the sun peaking through the window listening to him breath and not worrying if he is the one, if he is going anywhere. So to answer my first question...NO the person who ends up with your heart is not left with dired out mashed pototates instead I like to think they are left with the best parts, the parts no one else has gotten to, the parts you saved and you didn't even know why.

Another Summer Ends...Another Year Begins

September has this magical quality of new beginnings mixed with melancholy that makes for a feeling that is hard to describe but familiar all at once. Last week I started my 18th week of school and other than feeling pretty old there wasn't anything really remarkable about the experience. I picked out a "first day of school" outfit, packed a lunch and tried to get a good night sleep before the first day of classes. But these last few weeks haven't been without reflection. Maybe all we have in life is the present. Try as I might to remember all the first days gone by there was something lacking in the memories. As the years turn on the memories remain but they fade and their meaning isn't nearly as powerful. Sometimes I wonder when certain memories will leave me completely, and the sad part is that I won't even know they are gone. I imagine the brain sorting through memories; shelving the specials ones, rewriting the painful ones and discarding the ones not recently pulled. It makes me sad as the years roll on, friends come and go, people change, I change and every year it seems a part of me dies and another part is born. Maybe that is a bit too dramatic but the point is we are creatures of change and as important as change is it is hard. Thinking about change, thinking about perspectives...people who once seemed so important you rarely talk to, new characters come into your life and captivate you but it seems all too plausible that they too could at some point become obsolete.

Working Girl

I don't want to be a lawyer. What I would really like to be is a writer, but lets face it...I don't have the talent. So in lieu of what it is I really want, I work hard everyday to be something, that to be honest, I really hate. If I had known prior to this that all a lawyer does is sit all day, I might have considered a different career path...unfortunately, the albatross around my neck known as student debt is keeping me from that. So today I spent too many hours of my life, that I will never get back, learning to do Internet research. I have already spent too many hours of my life, that I will never get back, learning to do Internet research...that's what they teach you in law school.

I guess what I am wondering is...does anyone like their job? Today as I was wondering around the office I let my eyes wander over the cluttered desks and furrowed brows and I couldn't help but think..."do any of these people enjoy what they do?" The sad fact of the matter is...Americans spend more time at work than at home...and it would be really nice if we could actually enjoy that time and not spend the day plotting our escape. Unfortunately the vast majority of us are trapped ... trapped in a cycle of jobs we hate, counting down the minutes and the hours until we can breath fresh air and no longer subject ourselves to florescent lights. So until I find the job of my dreams (which I doubt exists) I will have to be happy with what I have, for the moments and people that make me whole and happy :)

The Heart of the Matter

I know I haven't written in awhile but I guess I haven't really felt inspired. That changed today. I heard an old Don Henley song on the radio and it made me feel...I'm not quite sure of the emotion but whatever it was it got me to thinking.

"I got the call today I didn't want to hear, but I knew that it would come. An old true friend of ours was talking on the phone, she said you found someone. And I thought of all the bad luck and all the struggles we went through, how I lost me and you lost you. What are all these voices outside love's open door? Make us throw off our contentment and beg for something more. I've been learning to live without you now but I miss you sometimes. The more I know the less I understand and all the things I thought I knew I'm learning them again. "

Why are we so desperate to hang on to something mediocre in fear of having nothing at all? For so long I was so desperate to hold on to something that was so wrong and for what? I was scared I would never find something as good as okay? I mean how hard is it to trump alright? Well the truth of it is...when you finally let go of "just okay" is the exact moment you are ready to find amazing.

When contentment leads to inspiration ... that is amazing.

When you can look in someone's eyes and see everything you are feeling mirrored back at you...that is amazing.

When you don't have to question every look and every word...that is amazing

When you look in the mirror and still see the real you and not some incarnation of someone else's fantasy...that is amazing.

When you can give someone everything you have and not lose a thing...that is amazing.

Auld Lang Syne?

Before proceeding further I think it is important to first define the above title. According to the oh so wise Wikipedia, Auld Lang Syne, means 'days gone by' or simply 'the past.' So in the spirit of New Years this post will deal mostly with moving forward, making resolutions and trying to make 2008 the best year yet.

As I was contemplating the New Year I decided that the reason people get so excited about it, is because it is a chance to start over with a clean slate...and everyone loves a clean slate. Even if it only lasts for a month, the resolutions you make on January 1st, make you feel like you can overcome all your past bad behavior, mend your ailing relationships and become the best you that you can be. For at least a week you have visions of yourself becoming a thinner, nicer, all around better version of your current self. Not to be too cynical but the majority of resolutions end in failure...if that wasn't the case I don't think the majority of Americans would be overweight. So the questions becomes, why do we start off with such good intentions and then regress to our previous bad behavior? Why does all our will power go out the window? I bet there is a huge boost in cigarette sales and lapses in gym membership around Groundhogs day.

Well my 2008 Resolution is not to lose 10 pounds, or to stop eating carbs, or to workout 5 days a week, or to stop smoking, or any of the usual midnight declarations. Instead my New Year's Resolution is to live each day with purpose and gratefulness. I'm sure there will still be days when I hate my life, or more likely the snow that has encased my car in ice , but I will try to wake-up every morning and be thankful for something. My health, my family, my friends.

I once read a statistic that after a period of time the human brain tends to remember happy memories more than tragic ones. Maybe that's why people are always referring to the "good old days" or why our parents say things like, "when I was younger people were more respectful" or why we even have the Republican party. Because in all honestly we do remember things with rose colored glasses. We remember our exes as evil and cruel but they were also the most attractive and we can't imagining loving anyone the way we loved them. That's why there is the "one that got away." Often times we remember things not as they actually were but as we wished they had been. Most likely your first love had pimples, braces and a bad haircut but we remember them as the most perfect creatures to walk the earth. The "one that got way" was probably semi- retarded and pretty much an asshole but we constantly think that they might be our soulmate. Why? Because the brain is a tricky thing. If you can shut the doors to the past and live in the moment you are a better person than me. It is easy to look back with yearning on days gone by. When you are single it is very easy to remember old relationships and think, "he was so sweet, I remember this one time when he brought me breakfast in bed" but you forget about all the times he hit the snooze button and left you eating breakfast alone.

Maybe forgetfulness is some kind of built in defense mechanism because if we had to remember all our past sins and all those done to us we would simply over load and shutdown. No one wants to think about time wasted on the wrong person or the wrong job. Thats why we tell ourselves they were "learning experiences" hell I told myself that in my last entry, and I hope its true. I hope we are on a road that is leading to some high level, some end point, a nirvana. But what if we aren't? What if there is no meaning to live, that we simply assign meaning after the fact? Well I'm not that cynical...at least not yet. I still believe in purpose, and learning experiences. The day I stop believing in those things is the day I stop growing and the day I stop being challenged. So this year I choose to remember the past, but not as I wished it to have been, but as it really was, and I chose to live my current life not how I have been... but how I would like it to be. I hope that makes some kind of sense. Happy New Year everyone and I hope this year is so terrific that you don't have to remember it anyway than how it actually was.

Side Note... If you haven't seen this movie, you really should. One of the best New Year's Eve scenes ever!

Question...

So like most of these postings, today's is inspired by an actual conversation. The question is...for whose benefit do you list your relationship status on social networking pages? I mean are you listing it for your SO? Are you listing it for yourself, "hey look at me Im not a single loser"? Are you listing it to help you win the game with your ex of who will die alone and ugly first? Are you listing it because you are such an attractive person that you don't want people to believe they have a chance with you when really you are "in a relationship"?

Well during today's conversation my friend was telling me that this guy had been flirting with her, asking her plans for the New Year's Eve thing etc. when out of nowhere he busts out with the "me and my girlfriend" line. The interesting part is what she said next, " I mean was I totally blind, had his facebook said he was 'in a relationship' all this time and I just never noticed?" Well she went back and looked and alas he was one of the worst facebookers out there, the no status person. The no status facebooker is rare because most people either want the world to know you are "in a relationship" or that you are "single" and looking.

As a person who also refuses to post their status I guess I would have to say my main reason for abstaining is that I don't want to be defined by a little box I check. I also don't put my religion or party affiliation. I mean there is a huge difference between a "single, protestant, Republican" and a "in a relationship, Jewish, Democrat." There are way too many preconceived notions out there without my facebook adding any fuel to the fire. However, the main reason I don't do it...the little broken heart that goes up when your relationship is terminated. It is just too sad... and unless you end up married to the person at some point the heart will break :) Also I don't really want everyone to know the ups and downs of my romantic encounters. Besides all the important people know the status of my dance card...and that's all that matters.

Back by Popular Demand

Well after a lot of begging I am back at it. The first post in months. I find myself a month away from my 25th birthday, laying on the floor of my childhood room, listening to country music and drinking a glass of wine. I got to thinking about what I was doing ten years ago. Lets see... ten years ago I was 14 going on 4o, I thought true love was a certainty and that I would rule the world by 30. Ten years later I know absolutely nothing and about the only thing that hasn't changed is my height.

Yesterday I went out for drinks with the love of my sixth grade year and the love of well basically most of high school. The funny thing was...both of them completely repulsed me. In fact I couldn't find one thing about either one of them that was the least bit attractive. Sitting with them just made me feel uncomfortable. It was like I could see the ghosts of my former self lingering in the bar. Me as an awkward 6th grader with bad hair, bad skin and I hate to admit it but really bad clothes. Then there was me at 15,16,17 and even 18 letting the same asshole make me feel like shit. Visions of myself crying on my bedroom floor. Flash forward a few years to my first week of college and I am crying over the same guy. Sitting under a willow tree along the bike path letting the tears stream down my face and wondering how the hell I ended up there... how I would ever find someone else to love. The funny thing is 7 years later...that seems like a distant dream. I did manage to fall in love again, life did go on, in fact life turned out so much better than I could have ever imagined it. I know I'm off on a tangent...there is a point somewhere.

Basically what I am getting at is that at the time things seem so important but in retrospect they mean nothing. Well not nothing. Those tears made me who I am today. Yeah I sat at home the night of my senior prom, yeah I cried too long over someone who was never good enough for me, yeah I was awkward and kind of bad looking. But things turned out okay, well better than okay. I can finally say for the first time in a very long time that I am really happy... I feel good about my life, about my relationships, about my abilities.

I am ten years away from 14 and in certain ways I am still waiting for my life to begin, still waiting for Prince Charming, still waiting to become the person I have always felt I was meant to be. But really will I always be waiting? Living in the present takes too much effort. It is so much easier to look back or look forward. My New Year's Resolution...live in the moment, enjoy my life and appreciate all the amazing everyday events that make up life. In the immortal words of Ms. Carrie Bradshaw:

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

This much I know

Okay so it has been way too long since the last post but honestly the weeks just fly...I can't believe it's almost October. I guess what I have learned in law school I can break down into the following list:

1) Some people have really annoying voices and every time they talk in class I want to punch them
2) Free time is not free anymore...if I'm not doing two things at once I am doing something wrong
3) Coming up with an accurate definition of a contract is a lot more difficult that I ever thought possible.
4) Getting up at 6 and going to bed at 11 is a fabulous schedule that I can't get enough of (ha)
5) Dating is something I will not be doing for a long, long, long time
6) Sub-point of number 5, all the men I go to school with are, "in relationships," overly religious or deformed.
7) I am going to be in debt for the rest of my life

Contemplation

Question: do we ever really change? So I was finished with all my reading...none of your sorry asses would answer the phone so you know what I did??!!! Smoked and drank wine ALONE. I mean I thought I had given up on smoking, was thinking the whole "my body is a temple" shit and then I go and start smoking...I am blaming it on my want to be social. I live next door to second year law students and this is a way to get to know them...already worked, we are new best friends. Well not quite but we are chatting and hanging out. Ahh I am constantly regressing.

Concentration

Mine is out the window...I NEED it to be the weekend

The good, the bad and the ugly

In addition to my known pet peeves, vanity license plates and license plate holders that say "I'd rather be blanking," I am now adding couples at the gym. I don't go to the gym to watch you grope your girlfriend. It is gross. Please stop. If you are an offender of such a crime I may have to remove you from my top five.

Onto the good. I got two new house plants and they are just adorable. If I had a camera I would take a picture of them for you all to ohhh and ahhh over.

As for the ugly...I kind of feel like the first one encompasses both.

Also I saw "Becoming Jane" and it was an excellent movie. You know why? Because she doesn't end up with her "true love" and she makes a life for herself sans a man. I know I know I am becoming bitter but it really was refreshing. I don't know what we want to make of the fact that Ms. Austen spend her life spinning tales of love and fulfillment but we will leave that one alone for now.

Following that thought, how many chances do you suppose you get at love? In "Becoming Jane" she has her one true love and when it doesn't work out she spends the rest of her life living by the pen. So the question becomes, what if you have never had a true love or what if you have had more that one true love and finally what if you have only had one and don't currently have another....where are you left in all these situations? I think the best option is number one because you can always be thinking true love is around the corner. Number two is also desirable because hey you are lucky in love, no crying over spilled milk because there will always be someone new to pour you another. Worst category is number three...you think it just won't ever happen for you again. I don't think I really fit into any of those categories...I am going to go with number one because although I have been "in love" I refuse to believe it was my "true love" because it that was the case I wouldn't be sleeping alone. Tricky! Yes this is what law school is teaching me...splitting hairs.

Sign of the times

Okay so I am in my room watching Beaches and trying not to cry...I mean I have seen this movie a million times but every time 'Wind Beneath Your Wings' comes on I get a little weepy. This is a sign of many things, mainly:
1) I need to get out of the house more
2) I may have some kind of hormonal imbalance
3) Some things never change
4) I need to start hanging out with more dudes

Giving up the ghost

Today I was at the gym trying to madly chase away the beer molecules that were trying to attach themselves to my hips, after a night of sharing pitchers with the roommates, when I can to an interesting conclusion.

Since it was Saturday I treated myself to one of those women's magazines and as I was flipping through the pages I suddenly realized that about a third of the articles had no relevance to my life. "How to have better sex," "how to be more intimate," "how to get him to open-up." Sure these articles are shallow and ridiculous but at the same time they made me realize just how relationship driven our culture is. Every song, every TV show and movie is about finding love or losing love. If you aren't doing one of those two things you are out of the loop. This has left me identifying with cable news channels, crime shows, the Discovery Channel and the History Channel. You know things aren't going so well in the love department when Nazi Germany seems to have more relevance in your life then say an episode of Friends.

So I guess what I'm getting at is that in our culture of independent women, why are we still so focused on men to make us feel complete? If we aren't dating we aren't living? I feel like that is the message the world is trying to send us. "Attention ladies, you think you have it all together BUT really unless you have a special someone to share it with you are missing the boat." Well I refuse to buy that BS anymore. I really am not trying to sound bitter or jaded...I just don't know why we all believe it? Is it true that life isn't near as wonderful without someone to love?

The first day of the rest of my life or "where boring people go to die" ?

Why?

So an interesting fact about my new home...people park on either side of the street pointed in either directions, there are no left hand turn signals and almost every intersection is uncontrolled. The question now becomes, how long until I get into an accident?

I promise...this is a true story

Last night the roommates and I decide it's time to see what (if anything) this city has to offer. We got dressed-up and prepared for a night on the town. At bar number two we order shots, bad idea. Well when they come there is one too many so as I am contemplating drinking it, I look to the left and see someone who looks very familiar. One of my classmates from the facebook! I make eye contact and give him the drink with a smile. He says, "what's this for?" I say, "from the facebook." His eyes register understanding and we do the whole cheers thing. I introduce him to my roommates and we are all dancing and have a lovely time. The night wears on and I am drunky money...my roommates and I get separated in the sea of dancing. I agree in my drunken state to let my new law school classmate and his friend give me a ride home. When we arrive at my house I fall asleep on the couch (great hostess) and when my roommates come home moments later they find me sleeping in the fetal position and boys sitting in our house.

Morning dawns and I begin to remember little bits and pieces of the previous night. I distinctly remember saying to the guy "I thought you were gay?" (From his profile) after he preceded to dance with me in an oh so straight way. He laughs and says "No and its a good thing cause your cute." I ask him about a dog I had seen in pictures and he seemed a little confused but then quickly recovered. Today I decided to send him a message and tell him sorry about falling asleep and making him drive me home. The response is classic. It WASN'T him! He wasn't even out last night, not even in town. But it gets stranger. Today I get a phone call....it's "Joe" from last night. He wants to go on a date??!!! Does he think I'm not going to realize that hes not in my class? That he's not the person I thought? Obviously I turned him down. Some people. Note to self no more drinking...EVER.

A Modern Fairy Tale

I was reading the NY Times this morning with a steamy cup of coffee when I came upon this wonderful literary blog. A professor from the University of Arizona asked the question, when did male authors stop thanking their wives, in the acknowledgments, for tirelessly typing their manuscripts? I suddenly realized that if I had lived maybe 40 years ago how different my life would be. I mean sure we all joke about older relatives and ridiculous friends asking us when we are going to meet a nice boy and get married, but in all honestly most people don't think twice about a single girl. Especially if she is doing something with her life. I have approximately one married friend, and she is going back to school this fall for a masters. So even if you do choose marriage you can still be successful in the work place, you can make more than your husband, you can ask him to stay at home and raise the kids. Thank God it's 2007 and not 1945...because Lord knows what I would do in a apron at home with little Johnny and Jane. Maybe put a gun to my head, more likely put one to my husband's.

So along these same lines I was coming home from the grocery store and the Dave Matthews song 'Rapunzel' came on and I suddenly thought, what an interesting literary figure. I mean it is the half done story of female independence. Here is this girl trapped in a room. She frees herself through her own ingenuity and of course the help of a handsome price. But today there is no need for the price. We can let down our golden hair but we don't need a price to climb the stairs, we can do that ourselves. And you know what, to the women who came before us, we are living the modern day fairy tale...and its the story of independence, equality and fulfillment. Cheers

Summer time and the livin's easy

Well maybe not easy but today was an absolutely magical day. I went to this fantastic park about two blocks from my house and laid in the sun and read for hours. There was a light breeze and the sounds of kids playing in the background, I also happened to be wearing my favorite paisley skirt which maybe it an even better day. I drank a bottle of expensive water, finished the 500 page book I have been assigned for the first day of class (no I'm not joking) and got a tan all at the same time. Women are awesome multitaskers. After that I went home to work on briefing some cases...got sick of that and decided to take out some energy at the gym. I ran three miles in thirty minutes which is a personal best for me....come on we know I'm not a great runner. Now I am relaxing, thinking about taking a shower and waiting to meet my third and final roommate. The only think that could make this better would be a pina colada served to me poolside by a scantily clad chip n dale type.

So I know I'm not Carrie but.....

"You three are the loves of her life, a guy is lucky to come in fourth." I happened to be flipping through the channels and this episode just happened to be on and you know what....it is so true. These day I woman doesn't need to be married, doesn't need children. You know what she needs: Her friends, her family, her health and her freaking mind!

Side note. Really funny conversation between myself and the new roomie:

Me: "So I was thinking of getting a bike, are you guys going wear helmets? I don't want to look like the 'special' law student.

Roomie: I have $90 grand riding on this thing (placing hands around her head) I don't care if I do look special.