Auld Lang Syne?

Before proceeding further I think it is important to first define the above title. According to the oh so wise Wikipedia, Auld Lang Syne, means 'days gone by' or simply 'the past.' So in the spirit of New Years this post will deal mostly with moving forward, making resolutions and trying to make 2008 the best year yet.

As I was contemplating the New Year I decided that the reason people get so excited about it, is because it is a chance to start over with a clean slate...and everyone loves a clean slate. Even if it only lasts for a month, the resolutions you make on January 1st, make you feel like you can overcome all your past bad behavior, mend your ailing relationships and become the best you that you can be. For at least a week you have visions of yourself becoming a thinner, nicer, all around better version of your current self. Not to be too cynical but the majority of resolutions end in failure...if that wasn't the case I don't think the majority of Americans would be overweight. So the questions becomes, why do we start off with such good intentions and then regress to our previous bad behavior? Why does all our will power go out the window? I bet there is a huge boost in cigarette sales and lapses in gym membership around Groundhogs day.

Well my 2008 Resolution is not to lose 10 pounds, or to stop eating carbs, or to workout 5 days a week, or to stop smoking, or any of the usual midnight declarations. Instead my New Year's Resolution is to live each day with purpose and gratefulness. I'm sure there will still be days when I hate my life, or more likely the snow that has encased my car in ice , but I will try to wake-up every morning and be thankful for something. My health, my family, my friends.

I once read a statistic that after a period of time the human brain tends to remember happy memories more than tragic ones. Maybe that's why people are always referring to the "good old days" or why our parents say things like, "when I was younger people were more respectful" or why we even have the Republican party. Because in all honestly we do remember things with rose colored glasses. We remember our exes as evil and cruel but they were also the most attractive and we can't imagining loving anyone the way we loved them. That's why there is the "one that got away." Often times we remember things not as they actually were but as we wished they had been. Most likely your first love had pimples, braces and a bad haircut but we remember them as the most perfect creatures to walk the earth. The "one that got way" was probably semi- retarded and pretty much an asshole but we constantly think that they might be our soulmate. Why? Because the brain is a tricky thing. If you can shut the doors to the past and live in the moment you are a better person than me. It is easy to look back with yearning on days gone by. When you are single it is very easy to remember old relationships and think, "he was so sweet, I remember this one time when he brought me breakfast in bed" but you forget about all the times he hit the snooze button and left you eating breakfast alone.

Maybe forgetfulness is some kind of built in defense mechanism because if we had to remember all our past sins and all those done to us we would simply over load and shutdown. No one wants to think about time wasted on the wrong person or the wrong job. Thats why we tell ourselves they were "learning experiences" hell I told myself that in my last entry, and I hope its true. I hope we are on a road that is leading to some high level, some end point, a nirvana. But what if we aren't? What if there is no meaning to live, that we simply assign meaning after the fact? Well I'm not that cynical...at least not yet. I still believe in purpose, and learning experiences. The day I stop believing in those things is the day I stop growing and the day I stop being challenged. So this year I choose to remember the past, but not as I wished it to have been, but as it really was, and I chose to live my current life not how I have been... but how I would like it to be. I hope that makes some kind of sense. Happy New Year everyone and I hope this year is so terrific that you don't have to remember it anyway than how it actually was.

Side Note... If you haven't seen this movie, you really should. One of the best New Year's Eve scenes ever!

Question...

So like most of these postings, today's is inspired by an actual conversation. The question is...for whose benefit do you list your relationship status on social networking pages? I mean are you listing it for your SO? Are you listing it for yourself, "hey look at me Im not a single loser"? Are you listing it to help you win the game with your ex of who will die alone and ugly first? Are you listing it because you are such an attractive person that you don't want people to believe they have a chance with you when really you are "in a relationship"?

Well during today's conversation my friend was telling me that this guy had been flirting with her, asking her plans for the New Year's Eve thing etc. when out of nowhere he busts out with the "me and my girlfriend" line. The interesting part is what she said next, " I mean was I totally blind, had his facebook said he was 'in a relationship' all this time and I just never noticed?" Well she went back and looked and alas he was one of the worst facebookers out there, the no status person. The no status facebooker is rare because most people either want the world to know you are "in a relationship" or that you are "single" and looking.

As a person who also refuses to post their status I guess I would have to say my main reason for abstaining is that I don't want to be defined by a little box I check. I also don't put my religion or party affiliation. I mean there is a huge difference between a "single, protestant, Republican" and a "in a relationship, Jewish, Democrat." There are way too many preconceived notions out there without my facebook adding any fuel to the fire. However, the main reason I don't do it...the little broken heart that goes up when your relationship is terminated. It is just too sad... and unless you end up married to the person at some point the heart will break :) Also I don't really want everyone to know the ups and downs of my romantic encounters. Besides all the important people know the status of my dance card...and that's all that matters.

Back by Popular Demand

Well after a lot of begging I am back at it. The first post in months. I find myself a month away from my 25th birthday, laying on the floor of my childhood room, listening to country music and drinking a glass of wine. I got to thinking about what I was doing ten years ago. Lets see... ten years ago I was 14 going on 4o, I thought true love was a certainty and that I would rule the world by 30. Ten years later I know absolutely nothing and about the only thing that hasn't changed is my height.

Yesterday I went out for drinks with the love of my sixth grade year and the love of well basically most of high school. The funny thing was...both of them completely repulsed me. In fact I couldn't find one thing about either one of them that was the least bit attractive. Sitting with them just made me feel uncomfortable. It was like I could see the ghosts of my former self lingering in the bar. Me as an awkward 6th grader with bad hair, bad skin and I hate to admit it but really bad clothes. Then there was me at 15,16,17 and even 18 letting the same asshole make me feel like shit. Visions of myself crying on my bedroom floor. Flash forward a few years to my first week of college and I am crying over the same guy. Sitting under a willow tree along the bike path letting the tears stream down my face and wondering how the hell I ended up there... how I would ever find someone else to love. The funny thing is 7 years later...that seems like a distant dream. I did manage to fall in love again, life did go on, in fact life turned out so much better than I could have ever imagined it. I know I'm off on a tangent...there is a point somewhere.

Basically what I am getting at is that at the time things seem so important but in retrospect they mean nothing. Well not nothing. Those tears made me who I am today. Yeah I sat at home the night of my senior prom, yeah I cried too long over someone who was never good enough for me, yeah I was awkward and kind of bad looking. But things turned out okay, well better than okay. I can finally say for the first time in a very long time that I am really happy... I feel good about my life, about my relationships, about my abilities.

I am ten years away from 14 and in certain ways I am still waiting for my life to begin, still waiting for Prince Charming, still waiting to become the person I have always felt I was meant to be. But really will I always be waiting? Living in the present takes too much effort. It is so much easier to look back or look forward. My New Year's Resolution...live in the moment, enjoy my life and appreciate all the amazing everyday events that make up life. In the immortal words of Ms. Carrie Bradshaw:

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

This much I know

Okay so it has been way too long since the last post but honestly the weeks just fly...I can't believe it's almost October. I guess what I have learned in law school I can break down into the following list:

1) Some people have really annoying voices and every time they talk in class I want to punch them
2) Free time is not free anymore...if I'm not doing two things at once I am doing something wrong
3) Coming up with an accurate definition of a contract is a lot more difficult that I ever thought possible.
4) Getting up at 6 and going to bed at 11 is a fabulous schedule that I can't get enough of (ha)
5) Dating is something I will not be doing for a long, long, long time
6) Sub-point of number 5, all the men I go to school with are, "in relationships," overly religious or deformed.
7) I am going to be in debt for the rest of my life

Contemplation

Question: do we ever really change? So I was finished with all my reading...none of your sorry asses would answer the phone so you know what I did??!!! Smoked and drank wine ALONE. I mean I thought I had given up on smoking, was thinking the whole "my body is a temple" shit and then I go and start smoking...I am blaming it on my want to be social. I live next door to second year law students and this is a way to get to know them...already worked, we are new best friends. Well not quite but we are chatting and hanging out. Ahh I am constantly regressing.

Concentration

Mine is out the window...I NEED it to be the weekend

The good, the bad and the ugly

In addition to my known pet peeves, vanity license plates and license plate holders that say "I'd rather be blanking," I am now adding couples at the gym. I don't go to the gym to watch you grope your girlfriend. It is gross. Please stop. If you are an offender of such a crime I may have to remove you from my top five.

Onto the good. I got two new house plants and they are just adorable. If I had a camera I would take a picture of them for you all to ohhh and ahhh over.

As for the ugly...I kind of feel like the first one encompasses both.

Also I saw "Becoming Jane" and it was an excellent movie. You know why? Because she doesn't end up with her "true love" and she makes a life for herself sans a man. I know I know I am becoming bitter but it really was refreshing. I don't know what we want to make of the fact that Ms. Austen spend her life spinning tales of love and fulfillment but we will leave that one alone for now.

Following that thought, how many chances do you suppose you get at love? In "Becoming Jane" she has her one true love and when it doesn't work out she spends the rest of her life living by the pen. So the question becomes, what if you have never had a true love or what if you have had more that one true love and finally what if you have only had one and don't currently have another....where are you left in all these situations? I think the best option is number one because you can always be thinking true love is around the corner. Number two is also desirable because hey you are lucky in love, no crying over spilled milk because there will always be someone new to pour you another. Worst category is number three...you think it just won't ever happen for you again. I don't think I really fit into any of those categories...I am going to go with number one because although I have been "in love" I refuse to believe it was my "true love" because it that was the case I wouldn't be sleeping alone. Tricky! Yes this is what law school is teaching me...splitting hairs.

Sign of the times

Okay so I am in my room watching Beaches and trying not to cry...I mean I have seen this movie a million times but every time 'Wind Beneath Your Wings' comes on I get a little weepy. This is a sign of many things, mainly:
1) I need to get out of the house more
2) I may have some kind of hormonal imbalance
3) Some things never change
4) I need to start hanging out with more dudes

Giving up the ghost

Today I was at the gym trying to madly chase away the beer molecules that were trying to attach themselves to my hips, after a night of sharing pitchers with the roommates, when I can to an interesting conclusion.

Since it was Saturday I treated myself to one of those women's magazines and as I was flipping through the pages I suddenly realized that about a third of the articles had no relevance to my life. "How to have better sex," "how to be more intimate," "how to get him to open-up." Sure these articles are shallow and ridiculous but at the same time they made me realize just how relationship driven our culture is. Every song, every TV show and movie is about finding love or losing love. If you aren't doing one of those two things you are out of the loop. This has left me identifying with cable news channels, crime shows, the Discovery Channel and the History Channel. You know things aren't going so well in the love department when Nazi Germany seems to have more relevance in your life then say an episode of Friends.

So I guess what I'm getting at is that in our culture of independent women, why are we still so focused on men to make us feel complete? If we aren't dating we aren't living? I feel like that is the message the world is trying to send us. "Attention ladies, you think you have it all together BUT really unless you have a special someone to share it with you are missing the boat." Well I refuse to buy that BS anymore. I really am not trying to sound bitter or jaded...I just don't know why we all believe it? Is it true that life isn't near as wonderful without someone to love?

The first day of the rest of my life or "where boring people go to die" ?

Why?

So an interesting fact about my new home...people park on either side of the street pointed in either directions, there are no left hand turn signals and almost every intersection is uncontrolled. The question now becomes, how long until I get into an accident?

I promise...this is a true story

Last night the roommates and I decide it's time to see what (if anything) this city has to offer. We got dressed-up and prepared for a night on the town. At bar number two we order shots, bad idea. Well when they come there is one too many so as I am contemplating drinking it, I look to the left and see someone who looks very familiar. One of my classmates from the facebook! I make eye contact and give him the drink with a smile. He says, "what's this for?" I say, "from the facebook." His eyes register understanding and we do the whole cheers thing. I introduce him to my roommates and we are all dancing and have a lovely time. The night wears on and I am drunky money...my roommates and I get separated in the sea of dancing. I agree in my drunken state to let my new law school classmate and his friend give me a ride home. When we arrive at my house I fall asleep on the couch (great hostess) and when my roommates come home moments later they find me sleeping in the fetal position and boys sitting in our house.

Morning dawns and I begin to remember little bits and pieces of the previous night. I distinctly remember saying to the guy "I thought you were gay?" (From his profile) after he preceded to dance with me in an oh so straight way. He laughs and says "No and its a good thing cause your cute." I ask him about a dog I had seen in pictures and he seemed a little confused but then quickly recovered. Today I decided to send him a message and tell him sorry about falling asleep and making him drive me home. The response is classic. It WASN'T him! He wasn't even out last night, not even in town. But it gets stranger. Today I get a phone call....it's "Joe" from last night. He wants to go on a date??!!! Does he think I'm not going to realize that hes not in my class? That he's not the person I thought? Obviously I turned him down. Some people. Note to self no more drinking...EVER.

A Modern Fairy Tale

I was reading the NY Times this morning with a steamy cup of coffee when I came upon this wonderful literary blog. A professor from the University of Arizona asked the question, when did male authors stop thanking their wives, in the acknowledgments, for tirelessly typing their manuscripts? I suddenly realized that if I had lived maybe 40 years ago how different my life would be. I mean sure we all joke about older relatives and ridiculous friends asking us when we are going to meet a nice boy and get married, but in all honestly most people don't think twice about a single girl. Especially if she is doing something with her life. I have approximately one married friend, and she is going back to school this fall for a masters. So even if you do choose marriage you can still be successful in the work place, you can make more than your husband, you can ask him to stay at home and raise the kids. Thank God it's 2007 and not 1945...because Lord knows what I would do in a apron at home with little Johnny and Jane. Maybe put a gun to my head, more likely put one to my husband's.

So along these same lines I was coming home from the grocery store and the Dave Matthews song 'Rapunzel' came on and I suddenly thought, what an interesting literary figure. I mean it is the half done story of female independence. Here is this girl trapped in a room. She frees herself through her own ingenuity and of course the help of a handsome price. But today there is no need for the price. We can let down our golden hair but we don't need a price to climb the stairs, we can do that ourselves. And you know what, to the women who came before us, we are living the modern day fairy tale...and its the story of independence, equality and fulfillment. Cheers

Summer time and the livin's easy

Well maybe not easy but today was an absolutely magical day. I went to this fantastic park about two blocks from my house and laid in the sun and read for hours. There was a light breeze and the sounds of kids playing in the background, I also happened to be wearing my favorite paisley skirt which maybe it an even better day. I drank a bottle of expensive water, finished the 500 page book I have been assigned for the first day of class (no I'm not joking) and got a tan all at the same time. Women are awesome multitaskers. After that I went home to work on briefing some cases...got sick of that and decided to take out some energy at the gym. I ran three miles in thirty minutes which is a personal best for me....come on we know I'm not a great runner. Now I am relaxing, thinking about taking a shower and waiting to meet my third and final roommate. The only think that could make this better would be a pina colada served to me poolside by a scantily clad chip n dale type.

So I know I'm not Carrie but.....

"You three are the loves of her life, a guy is lucky to come in fourth." I happened to be flipping through the channels and this episode just happened to be on and you know what....it is so true. These day I woman doesn't need to be married, doesn't need children. You know what she needs: Her friends, her family, her health and her freaking mind!

Side note. Really funny conversation between myself and the new roomie:

Me: "So I was thinking of getting a bike, are you guys going wear helmets? I don't want to look like the 'special' law student.

Roomie: I have $90 grand riding on this thing (placing hands around her head) I don't care if I do look special.

Busy day for blogging

I guess I am making up for lost time. I will keep this quick. Does if makes you a bad person if you have had "relations" with the majority of the men on you google chat sidebar? I am having doubts about my purity.

Roommate Hall of Shame Part III

At the request of a very dear friend I have used her as my inspiration for this week's entry. But I am going to do things a bit differently. Instead of focusing on one roommate I am going to tell you the tale of a poor girl, we will call her Danny... Who has had more than her fair share of horrible roommates.

The Girl Who Never Got Lucky...At Least Not in the Roommate Department:

Danny has very few faults... Her main shortcomings are that she is too damn nice and too forgiving. Yes I am serious these are her worst qualities. She has had at least a handful if not more of terrible roommates.

Did God give them to her because he knew she could handle it? Was she a terrible person in a past life (she would have had to have been Hannibal Lector to deserve these people)? Whatever the reason Danny was cursed with the strangest of roommates. Her freshman year there was the girl who pleasured herself, her boyfriend and even a few inanimate objects right in front of whoever happened to be in the room. She also stole...a lot. Then there was the roomie with an eating disorder. I know what you are all thinking, "everyone has had a roommate with food issues." Well this girl took the cake in that department (no pun intended). She would not only toss her cookies, she would keep the contents in a huge bin under she sink. No I'm not joking. Then there was the gay roommate who made Jack from Will and Grace look straight...and let me tell you this guy was a trip. He was more drama than a high school cheer leading squad. There was another roommate who would go out of town and expect Danny to care for her cat and clean out its litter box. During this same living arrangement there was a male roommate who was so dirty you could almost smell the stench through the walls. Next came the girl who was such an alcoholic she would go out to the bars and drink mass quantities after being diagnosed with pneumonia. There are so many more but if you want to hear them you will have to hope that Danny starts a blog of her own. I hope it comes as no surprise that Danny now lives alone, in a studio.

It's a crying shame

It's a funny thing. I used to cry all the time...well maybe not all the time but at least during appropriate moments. Funerals, break-ups, arguments etc. This is not a lie when I say that in the last few years the only times I have cried have been when looking back on past events. Today was the first time in a long time that I actually cried for something in the present. It was one of those cathartic cries where you actually sit down in the shower and sob. You let the water pour all over you and you might actually throw something...say a few swear words. You get angry.

What brought on this sudden bout of self expression? Well I was talking to an old friend today. An old friend who broke my heart what suddenly seems like a very long time ago. He mentioned that he was recently suffering from of all things a broken heart and I was suddenly very upset. I think pissed is a better word. No I wasn't so much pissed at him as I was at myself. I was jealous. Not of what you might think though. No I wasn't jealous that he loved someone new... I was jealous that he could feel anything at all.

I haven't been able to feel for so long that I can't even remember what love looks like or tastes like. It's like when you haven't gotten laid for a really long time....you know it still exists, you can still remember it, but it almost seems ridiculous in your present state.... you start thinking, "I'm supposed to do what with what?" Well maybe not that bad but you get the point.

I have been so good for so long about not letting anything bother me. Not letting anyone in because honestly, and I know I have gone completely over the line into cliché-ville, I just don't ever want to feel that way again. I never want to be broken. I never want to be dependent, I never want to love anyone ever again. Is that true? I think it is, at least for right now. And that's why I was crying today. Because you can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't be strong and detached and completely in love. It isn't fair to the other person. When you really love someone you give them your heart. You place it in their hands and you say a silent prayer, you pray that they won't hurt you. Because when you really love someone there is always the chance that they could take it away and you will be left holding a bag with nothing in it but the pieces of your heart.

So until I am ready to be broken, ready to be vulnerable I am putting love away...way in the back of my closet where the ugly shoes go. I didn't mean that last part, I mean who are we kidding I don't have any ugly shoes.

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." Helen Keller

lonely....or just bored?

Well I am all moved in....my bed is made, my desk has been assembled and thankfully I have Internet and TV. The rents left today and it is my first day of independent living in almost exactly a year. I honestly feel like I was doing time last year and now I need to be rehabilitated.

I am kind of sad today. I made my bed, went for a long jog, made dinner and drank a glass of wine, all alone. I guess I just wish I had a friend or even an animal to keep me company. It's true that one of my housemates has moved in but it's not really the same as a great friend and a glass of wine. Drinking alone is kind of depressing, does that make me an alcoholic? No just kind of sad.

Why is everyone smiling in this state...

when you can't buy hard alcohol anywhere?!! Honestly I am in some kind of alternate universe! Yes it's true you couldn't buy the hard stuff in Libertyville either but at least it was readily available. Plus in my new homeland people don't even seem to understand that alcoholic beverages exist outside of the beer and wine family.

I wanted to make mojitos for my mom...it is super hot out and it seemed like a fun summer drink. We walk in to Safeway and see a large beer and wine section but alas no booze. Being the intelligent woman that I am I figure that like Libertyville, this lovely state abides by the no booze on Sundays, after 9 p.m. or in the regular grocery store rules. I take this information and decide it's really no big deal since I am living less than a mile from campus and figure there must be at least half a dozen such stores in a ten mile radius. WRONG. DEAD WRONG. There are ten liquor stores in the whole city and none are open on Sundays and none are near by. In fact when I began asking people (young 20 somethings who looked like they enjoyed some quality time with the bottle) they looked at me like I had two heads. In fact I asked one young guy where the alcohol section of Safeway was and he said "its right there" (pointing to the beer and wine). I said "no the hard stuff" and he said, "I don't know...not here" ... As if he had never drank the stuff or even heard of it. Ahh the insanity. Okay enough for now.

The X Files

Today another chapter of my life is thankfully closed! I sent Clinger all the things he so nicely requested I mail to him. Please, I figure unless its jewelery or expensive electronics, things left at an ex's become casualties of war. Oh well. It's done and now there is nothing connecting us and no reason for him to contact me...ever...again :) Okay so that was a little melodramatic but honestly I am so glad that part of my life is over and I actually can't believe I was ever interested in someone like him. But I guess that's growing-up. Every experience helps you to grow and shows you just what you want and don't want in life. Anyhow this will most likely be my last post for awhile...I don't think my Internet will be up in my new place till the middle of next week.

I know I'm not Oprah

but I thought I would start sharing a few of my favorite things!


In the spotlight this week: The very cute laptop sleeve by Timbuk2 (www.timbuk2.com). For all you Mac lovers out there they are sized perfect you your little beauties. I am in love with mine :)

Roommate Hall of Shame Part II

Okay so I realize this is long overdue but honestly the weeks have been blending together in a basic black hole that has been the month of July. So here is is the next installment of roommate hell...admit it you have been waiting with baited breath, maybe not as exciting as the last Harry Potter but damn close!

The Foreign Sexaholic

For this week's tale of woe I draw inspiration from a good friend's ordeal.

Picture it, college town USA, the year is 2005. A very laid back, chill, vegetarian chick goes looking for a new roommate after the winter break. Her previous roommate has graduated and she begins the arduous journey of finding a replacement. Eventually she decides to allow a male to share her room. She thinks he will be less drama than the alternative...an overly processed, overly blonde bimbo. There seems to be a bonus, he is foriegn and hardly speaks any English (limited talking = less chance of being annoying). As an added benefit he also has a girlfriend and claims he will be at her house constantly.

Things start out fine. He seems normal and his garbled English is endearing and makes her want to look after him and help him acclimate. He plays well with others and enjoys the bottle as much as everyone in the house.

The problem begins when his girlfriend enters the picture. We will call her Rat Face. Let me describe Rat Face. She was about 5 feet tall and 90 pounds. She had this strange hair that wasn't straight and wasn't curly...and it was constantly slathered in some kind of gel or mouse. Although she didn't say much her facial expressions spoke volumes. If dishes were left undone or something wasn't up to her standard she would begin yelling in her native tongue and then give dagger eyes to anyone who happened to be in her range. The passive aggressive bullshit was bad enough but it got even worse. Apparently in their homeland there is no protocol for letting your roommate know you are getting jiggy. So my poor friend would constantly be walking into her room only to be greeted with the image of the twosome consummating their love, over and over again.

The question is, why no sock on the door? Or if that isn't your style as least lock the door. Although this constant assault on the eyes would be enough to qualify this situation for the Hall of Shame what really puts it over the top in the following.

If my home girl happened to be in the room and the pair got the urge they would just start up with the funny business. I mean why?? What drives someone to this behavior? You are so desperate to get some from your long term significant other that you decide it's cool to just go to town while your roommate is literally three feet away?

Okay so I will be honest. I have been guilty of getting frisky while others are in the room but trust me, many ounces of alcohol had been consumed prior...by both myself, my partner and the unassuming witness. I know this still makes me a slightly bad person but at least when I am in my right mind I don't just strip down and get freaky...well at least not yet.

*Next week: Baby Voice...enough said*

Just so you all know

I am so freaking excited about starting school! Oh man I know I am just setting myself up for disappointment but for some reason I have a really good feeling about everything. Sure I am prolonging adulthood by going back to school but I honestly believe that once I have graduated I will finally be able to get a job that I not only tolerate but like. We will see.

Anyhow today I got my orientation schedule and that made things seem so much more real. I mean before it was always just out there but now I have reading assignments and whatnot. It's so cute they even have activities we can participate in during orientation week. Sporting events, hikes, picnics whatever you want. I don't know why but that makes me happy. I just hope there are a few normal types there so I don't go crazy this year.

Who thinks I need to go shopping for a pink suit?

The role models next door?

Okay admit it, you have all watched "The Girls Next Door." There is something strangely amusing about watching the 80 year old founder of Play Boy romance his three blonde live-in girlfriends. It's like a reality version of "Big Love" but with fake boobs, mansions and Vegas parties on almost every other episode.

Why are we drawn to shows like this? Shows that tell us men can be sexy at any age but women have a shelf life? Yes I know he is Hugh Hefner but still.

Anyhow I'm diverging. What prompted this entry was yesterday's episode. The girls go to Vegas and hundreds of people are lined-up for their autographs. Holly, the oldest 'girl', refers to herself and her other house mates as 'role models.' What makes them role models? I mean I really like the show, but I wouldn't consider the girls role models. There is noway I would want to fashion myself after these women, and I hope young girls aren't set on having a life the includes one man for every three women.

Nothing of note

Okay so I came to a sad conclusion today...I have way too many clothes and I hate about 70% of them. I have seriously been doing laundry for days. Washing everything from sheets to sweatshirts and jackets. I have packed away all my sweaters and fleeces until winter comes around again. As it's almost 90 degrees where I am headed I don't think I will be wearing anything heavier than a tank top for the next couple of months.

I am trying to come up with something good to entertain you all with but my days are mostly filled with packing and crossing things off my "to do list." I am happy to report that I bought a new wall calendar and have loving written down all of your birthdays!

In the last month I have had a physical, two fillings and my eye prescription renewed. Man this should keep me healthy for the next year!

Okay so I am really boring today! I promise to come up with something interesting for later.

Movin' on up

So as most of you know I am moving in a little over a week. I had a request to knock it off with the sarcastic posts and go back to my sentimental roots so here it goes.

Moving. I don't know why, but whenever I leave on place for another (even if it is a much needed move) I get a little teary and a bit reflective. Anyone who is over the age of 23 has moved enough times to know it's a killer on the body and soul. Moving is like closing a chapter of your life and even if you are happy to see that chapter end it still marks the progression of time.

I have been anticipating this latest move since the day I moved back in with my parents a little less than a year ago. If someone asked me at age 18 where I saw myself at age 24, I would not have said, unemployed and living in my parents back house. But as hard as this is to admit moving home was exactly what I needed. No I don't recommend everyone go live in close quarters with their parents after not being at home for over five years... but for me it was like pushing the reset button. You know like on an IPod or a computer. Its going so slow and has so many viruses that it just needs a start fresh. That was me a year ago. Burnt out, disillusioned and tired, so tired.

Well back to the actual packing. For some reason I am having a really hard time throwing things away. I feel like one day I am going end up on Oprah " women who are drowning in crap" or some such nonsense. I mean why am I reluctant to throw out a tube-top I haven't worn in years or a pair of Capri pants that just aren't in style any more? I think it's because of my damn memory again. It's like I see throwing these things out as a symbol of throwing out happy times. The mind is a crazy thing.

So I'm scared, obviously, of starting law school. Mostly because I am worried I'm not going to meet any normal people. But you know what I thought the same thing about undergrad. I loved high school and my friends and was convinced that no one could take their places but I was wrong. The friends I made in college became my family. My best friends and the people I depend on most. Maybe if I'm lucky I can make one friend like that in law school. That would make me happy. Just one normal person :)

Goal for today throwout crap and don't cry about it! Miss you guys :)

Men who write poetry

should be shot. I'm sorry but it's just so pathetic. Yes I have been in love, yes I know how nice it feels to have someone confess their love for you but it doesn't have to be in iambic pentameter or a haiku to get me hot. I mean isn't something about it just totally pathetic? And the worst part is...most of the poems they come up with are garbage...but we are expected to swoon over them and compliment their ability to come out of their masculine shells and actually express a feeling. Please. I am not going to get all excited over some half assed attempt to get me to do a threesome. Okay, well maybe that's not always the motivation but I think it could be the driving force behind 99.9% of all male poetry efforts.

one tequila, two tequila, three tequila floor

Well I wasn't drinking tequila but you get it. After not drinking for a REALLY long time I decided to let my hair down so to speak. I ended up falling asleep while getting a ride home and waking up in a strange bed. Don't worry it's not how it sounds. Nothing like "that" happened. The next morning I woke up to find myself sleeping next to a friend from work . Apparently he tried to put me on the couch but I kept falling off so he carried me to the bedroom. When will I grow-up? Well maybe never but I have decided to enact a strict 4 drink maximum policy whenever going out from now on...just isn't worth the consequences. Well at least in this case the only thing bruised was my ego.

PS

Just this very moment a movie came on called "Fire Down Below." And no its not a porno.

Why?

Today as I was taking my hansom puppy around the neighborhood I looked down on the road and what did I see? I super sized tampon applicator. First off why would this be in someone's front yard and secondly how did I identify it as an applicator of the super variety? Well as to the first question I may never know the answer but if you know Sandy Town then you know this is not such an unusual sight. In fact it may have even been some type of yard decoration for all I know. The answer to the second question is that I am a female and as such I have had the sad privilege of using the super tampon. But why is it called super? There really is nothing super about having a period so heavy that you need to use a tampon, that according to statistics, would make some men jealous. I know what you are saying, "none of my men." But you know what I'm getting at. Anyhow don't you think it would be better if they renamed the offending object say the 'hell' tampon or 'shittiest day of the week tampon or even the ' don't talk to me, I am trying hard not to be a bitch and your chit-chat is making me want to slap a bitch' tampon.

I'm not together but I'm getting there

Today was an important day. I finally fit back into my jeans from college. Yes I really am that vain. But honestly it is a big moment for me because I finally finally feel that I am coming back from someplace I didn't want to be. I am a firm believer that people's lives go through cycles. Times of plenty and times of want. These last two years have drained me. Don't get me wrong there have been great times. New friends and new experiences. But there have been a lot of growing pains too. Realizing that I can't always work my way towards the things I want... somethings are not meant to be had. Finding out that I am more fragile than I thought and understanding for perhaps the first time in my life that being alone is okay...more than okay, it can be wonderful.

After I broke up with Clinger I decided it was time take back myself. I started jogging, eating better, caring about myself again. I have been listening to MY music and spending MY time writing, reading and reflecting on all the things I love about myself and the things that need to be changed. I see myself as a work in progress...we all are. But for the first if a long long time I see the sun coming out and I feel like I am ready to be me again. To make new friends, have another adventure and trust myself enough to make the choices I need to make and shut the doors that need to be shut.

Although I was never a huge fan before I am really loving John Mayer's 'Continuum.' The songs are so beautiful. If you haven't, take the time to check it out.

Okay enough promos for Mr. Mayer.

My hope for all of you is that wherever you're at in life, take the time to stop and look around. If you're in a good place stop and enjoy the moment...less than idyllic time? Stop and embrace that as well. I think it's the hard times that teach us the most about ourselves. Maybe that's all bullshit but now that I am coming out to play again it seems plausible.

Stop this train John Mayer

No, I'm not colorblind I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Don't know how else to say it
I don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn sixty-eight You renegotiate"

"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"

Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark
Singing
Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I will never stop this train

Get excited, get very excited

It's official a Sex and the City movie is in the works. How excited am I? Well I actually made an audible sound of joy when I heard it on the news. Side note, is that really news worthy? To me yes! So break out the Cosmos and manolo blahniks (I wish).

Roommate Hall of Fame Part I

In honor of another school year starting I have decided to begin a roommate hall of fame or should I say shame. Each week ( or until I run out of entertaining stories) I will recount the tale of a horrid roommate. Ones that I have personally been subjected to or have witnessed. And we are off and running:

"The Bait and Switch"

Initially this roommate seems fabulous. They are happy and seem social and outgoing. However after a few months of relative calm they suddenly snap into, for lack of a better description, a Bridezilla (too much television). All of the sudden everything and everyone is expected to bow to their command.

My freshman year I had such a roommate... we will call her Lemon. Lemon basically morphed from a mild mannered party girl type into a self absorbed crazy person. By the third quarter her boyfriend had taken up residence in our apartment (without asking) and she would routinely come into the common room at 10 p.m. or earlier asking us to "keep it down." Come on now we are living in a dorm not a convalescent hospital. No Lemon did not have a job or an 8 a.m. class....but her better half needed his beauty rest. For the love of God.

At this point maybe you are asking why the sane members of the house didn't ask the love birds to get lost. Well in addition to Lemon's permanent guest situation she would also hold the house emotionally hostage. Example: if we questioned her or asked her to refrain from bitch behavior she would stomp around the house slamming doors and giving us the death stare.

This continued through the end of freshman year and into our sophomore year (yes before she showed her true colors we signed a lease for the following year). I think my favorite moment came when after refusing to pay her portion of the rent she elected to get a boob job. Another goodie: when she would go out of town she would mark all her alcohol bottles as she was convinced we were all drinking her stash. Paranoid much? Lesson learned: If it looks like a bitch and acts like a bitch, guess what its a bitch!

Coming next week: foreign roommates that speak little or no English and engage in sexual activities while you are in the room...awake.

Variation on a theme

So I realize this blog is not a huge departure from my last entry but it has been on my mind for quite sometime...what I am wondering is why are some women so put together looking at all times? You know the type I am talking about, maybe you even are one! The women who look like even if they tried their hair would never be frizzy, their skin would never have a blemish and their shit defiantly wouldn't stink. You imagine that they wake-up smelling like a daisy and flashing their dazzling white smiles. When you go out with them they never drop food on their shirts, they never have sweat stains and even when it's cold out and they aren't wearing a bra their nipples never show themselves at inopportune times.

I am not one of these women. I can often be seen with a lovely shine on my face, stains under my armpits and wrinkled pants. It's not that I don't try it's just that life happens. You leave the house looking (I will admit it) pretty damn good and by lunch time you catch a glimpse of yourself and wonder, "what the hell happend?" Meanwhile you look to your left and see one of the perfects. Her hair is still perfectly coiffed, their skin is glowing, not with sweat but with that something extra that comes from expensive department store moisturizers. Her pants are still perfectly pressed and she looks relaxed and in control. Meanwhile I look frantic and messy.

This leads me to my point or should I say question. Are these women genetic hiccups? Is it breading? If it's the latter then why can't I learn the behaviors that would make it possible for me to jump into this league? I am going to have to go with genetic hiccup. I have seen wealthy women who to be quite honest would be lucky to look like the half way done version of me when they actually leave the house. I have also been in the presence of women with limited resources who still somehow manage to looking stunning.

I don't hate these women I just look at them with something akin to awe. Would I like to be them? Maybe. It sure seems like a lot of work. If it meant giving-up my coffee on the go habit (could lead to a spill right?) or take away more than an hour of much needed sleep then no thanks. But a girl can dream.

JD or MRS?

I currently have no life of my own so I spend way too much time looking into the affairs of others. My school was kind enough to email me a list of my future classmates. I decided to use the information for evil... looking them up on the Internet and in turn forming preconceived notions about them. A truly wonderful way to spend a Tuesday.

The worst case scenario would be a classroom full of the types of people I met while living in Libertyville (with the aim of keeping my anonymity the names of people and places have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty). These women appear to be ambitious... but what they really are, is after a man. No joke. A wolf in sheep's clothing. They appear to be concerned about social issues, looking to change the world or at least their communities but REALLY they are looking for the ultimate prize, a two carat diamond from Tiffany's. This brings me to another story...I don't know if it is exactly funny but it is telling.

So I am sitting in the SF airport waiting for a flight to some point east and I happen to be wearing my college sweatshirt. I am staring longingly at my laptop hoping to pick up a wireless signal when an older couple interrupt me. They tell me their grandson went to X school and that he majored in engineering. I act appropriately impressed ( It's not like I hadn't met millions of beer swilling engineering students but who am I to ruin their fantasy?). Anyhow after a few minutes of chit-chat the man looks at me and says, "having any luck getting your MRS. degree?" and then he has the nerve to wink. I smile and make some excuse about needing coffee NOW.

Separation Anxiety

College is such a tease. You start to live a life that isn't real and when it is all over you are left holding the bag and most likely a box of tissues. My friends and I attended school at an undisclosed location perched on the side of a cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. The streets were filled with beautiful people, tasty food and lots of liquor. After four years of basically living in a resort local (a place most people visit for a once a year or once in a lifetime vacation) we were all tossed out into the cold cold world.

The first year was by far the worst. We were separated, broke and searching for any work we could get our hands on. As time passed we all moved on but late at night images of what once was float through my mind and I wonder "why did we have to wake up?" In the immortal words of the classic film Reality Bites, " I was really going to be something by the age of 23."

It has been two years and although we are all going through the motions of our lives something still seems terribly off. Can't we continue to go through life wearing flip-flops and sun dresses, with a mojito in one hand and a vanilla clove in the other? No, instead we have forced ourselves into high-heels, scrubs, maternity tops and business suites.

I was always in such a hurry to grow-up until I realized that once you get there or at least close to it there is no going back. Unfortunately life is a one shot deal. There are no do-overs and there are no take-backs. What's done is done. Period end of sentence. Why is it so hard to embrace the present and so easy to look back with longing at times gone by?

My girls and I still have monthly conversations and during each talk we inevitably revert back to talking about all the boys, booze and bygones. Each conversation ends in the same manner :

Me: " Why can't we go back to how things used to be, when we didn't know how good we had it?"

BFF: :"I don't know but if you find a way sign me up."

Running on Purpose

I decided to take the plunge. I have officially moved from reading blogs to writing one. I was beginning to feel a bit too voyeuristic just reading about the lives of others. I guess in a small way, now I can feel like I am somehow contributing to the community at large.

I started running about a month ago and although it was awful at first, it is now my absolute favorite time of the day. My favorite game to play is putting my IPod on shuffle and imagining the perfect movie scene for each song to play in. For instance today Third Eye Blind's 'Hows it going to be' came up. Not your ideal jogging song but a great movie song. I imagine a girl coming out of her apartment. She starts walking up a deserted street and then builds-up to running while stripping off jewelry, a bulky sweatshirt and even her shoes. Next song Stevie Wonder's 'Cheri Amour.' Great song. Perfect for the begining of a love story montage. Strolling through the park, sitting at a sidewalk cafe, walking their dog together...you get the point. Next The Rolling Stones, 'Sympathy for the Devil.' Not quite sure of the story line but lawyers are somehow involved sitting around a table laughing.

I should be spending what little time I have left learning exactly what a tort is but for now I can imagine myself as a budding screen writer as opposed to what I am actually becoming...a law student. One of the most hated individuals on earth. C'est la vie.